COPD & Cancer; Never ending battle.

Unfortunately, a lot of people in my (& Josh's) family smoke or chew tobacco. My Grandpa which I recently posted was in the hospital. I knew it had to be something with smoking. He was diagnosed with a disease in the lungs called COPD. Cigarette smoke makes it worse, so he has to stop smoking if he wants to live a little longer, if he doesn't stop, he'll die soon. It breaks my heart. Grandpa was always my hero. It was like he could do anything. When ever my grandparents get sick it saddens me. Any of my grandparents, or Josh's. They've been through a lot, and they care so much about us, kids and their own kids. I've always been strongly attached to my grandparents, since I was born basically. They've done so much for me, & everyone in their family. They truly show you how important family is. Josh's grandma recently told me she is about to have a major surgery on her cancer in her glands (forgot the correct name of the glands) but her cancer grew and they are going to try to cut it out. Its in her neck as well, but I don't think they got all of it with her last surgery on her neck. She is such a fighter. She will not give up, and she is very determine to beat this cancer. This surgery could take her life. I pray hard everyday for each of these wonderful people in my life. Including our parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends. They all mean so much to us.

Tuesday, tomorrow's maddness.

Tomorrow I am going to get an ultra sound done on my chest to see why I'm well, I don't really want to write about that, but basically why I'm in pain and leaking. {If that kind of makes your mind get it..} Thankful for a great friend who will be taking Addyson for me. Being a loner without a side kick, My husband, makes me desperate for a babysitter and support system. I might be getting bad news tomorrow, but knowing Naval I'm probably A-Ok! Which I know there is something not right. Josh comes home in three days! Friday can't come soon enough. Then he is home for a month and leaves again. Boo, for the Navy taking Josh again. Oh well, its our life. Hopefully not forever, I don't want Addyson to grow up not knowing her daddy. If you think about it, she might really miss him, and love him a whole bunch, but they might not really ever know each other when she gets older if he was to keep this as a career. That breaks my heart. I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who have served, and are serving in the military. They sacrifice their life. Not just their life but everything in their lives. This Memorial Day I have took a lot into consideration. I know I've been "bad mouthing" the military but basically just the way they do things, not the people. Just to make that clear. I know Josh signed up to help us out, because the world isn't in a good place, but what comes with it is a lot of sacrifices and I don't think I am ready for this. I've been spoiled two years almost without deployment or separation really. I may be selfish, but I am really not looking forward to giving him up. This almost passed month has been hard being a single mommy. I've really relied on my good friends here, which I am so thankful for them, I can't say that enough! I hope they know how much I appreciate it, I feel like I might be being selfish about it, but I don't think I could have done this without them. I've never been away from my family when I am going through something like this. Example when Josh was in boot camp & A-school in Florida I had my family, here I have nobody but a certain family I came to trust, and came to love. They are amazing people, they make me feel part of their family when mine isn't around. I'm happy for Addyson, she loves being around Brady & Connor. It makes my heart shine with happiness that she is having the best time even though she doesn't have her dad here, and just depressed, stressed out mom. I love that little girl with all my heart, I hope I've been doing a good job this last month by myself. Although she's been looking a little rough, her walking isn't 100%, she falls alot, so her face has been bruised and now has a big scrape on her nose. I try hard to protect her but when I turn my back for a second, there she goes, falling. I better go catch some Zzz's my appointment is bright and early tomorrow and the walk we went on today took a lot out of me, I'm so out of shape. I should have worked out every morning while Josh is/was gone, but that didn't happen. oops!

i'm seriously thinking..

....about beating myself over the head with a bat. That is how bored I am. I mean there are things I could be doing like packing some stuff, but I still have a long time to wait. I try to savor things for other days. But I am seriously going to keel (thanks joe ;) ) over. Addyson has been keeping me happy thought, except today she took a fall and really did a number to her nose. Her daddy is going to be so proud. Not Really. She has been so good today. I did take her to the park and let her have some outside time. Otherwise she walks in circles around the house. It's almost bathtime, we're having waffles tonight and I put Jam on hers. YIKES! I hope she doesn't poop in the bathtub like usual! ;)

Grandpa & Sister's Graduation

My Grandpa, the one who has been there for me always, recently was rushed to the hospital because he was having a hard time breathing. I keep forgetting to slow down and call my grandma but I really am praying for him and hope they let him out today. He had to spend Thursday night and Friday night and was suppose to come home today if his oxygen levels were up. Just what I need. I almost raced home, I don't want to miss not saying goodbye to him and tell him how much I love him. I didn't go home. I regret it a little, but I just couldn't chance it. Being in a car with a baby who was up all night which I was up all night with her, 10 hours, I don't think I could do it. I think when we get moved we are off to Idaho. First thing, My grandparents house. My grandma is my rock, she isn't feeling well either. I am so worried about them, I hope my mommy & her siblings are taking good care of them. I always thought I'd be RIGHT there to care for them any chance I got, but 10 hrs away and the Navy makes it difficult.

My baby sister graduated tonight. She is officially a non-highschooler now. I can't explain how proud I am of her. She has been through so much. I mean LOADS of stuff. I am glad she pushed through and we all kept pushing her even when it was hard. We love you Jessa baby!

Last weekend for a while alone...

Not that I have been alone every weekend since Josh left, but what I mean is my last weekend as a single parent. I am so excited. I can't wait to have my husband back. I know its only been three weeks but it's killing me. We have to make lots of changes because lots of changes have been made already now its just in our hands. I hope we can do it. I'm nervous, but we can do it. We've been through so much already. Addyson needs her daddy home. I know she misses him and a part of me is worried that she'll be scared of him for a while and Josh is going to be very sad. FIVE DAYS (Not counting Friday since he'll be home that morning/afternoon)!

Addy's 12 month check up

Addyson's drs. appointment went well today. She got four shots and then blood drawn. She didn't like them at first but once I picked her up she stopped crying and was back to flirting with everyone.

Head: 18 cm - percent tile: 75-90%
Weight: 20 lbs 8oz - percent tile: 25-50%
Length: 28.82 inches - percent tile 25-50%

Addy's 1st Birthday Party

So instead of having a big party, or no party at all, we had a mini party. Josh's family, just his mom and sister, and little nephew came over for the weekend, and I invited Mandy & Her family over. We just did presents and cake and ice cream and they kids played a little. Addyson loved everything she got, and she even loved digging into the cake. She'll probably have another birthday when Daddy gets home.

Addyson is ONE!

Today is Addyson's 1st birthday. Grandma Stuart, Aunt Nicole, and Justin came over for the weekend for it but sadly had to leave today. So Addyson and I went to the Johnson's were she played so much with the boys. She can now walk. She took her first steps May 8, 2011 and was walking a few weeks later May 19, 2011. She is such a big girl now. I don't know how I feel about having a toddler now. (Can I still call her my baby?) I'm glad Josh got to call, but he didn't get to talk long. We miss our hero, love, and daddy!

My Baby is almost ONE! {4 More Days}

One week down...

It's been over a week now and I am still holding on. I seriously thought that I would be a wreck but I have an amazing family { The Johnson's } who have been letting me bug them. I hope I'm not bugging' them but I am thankful they have let me come over to keep my mind off of Josh. Yesterday I had to go to the doctor's because I was having breast pains. I thought something was unusual since I was still producing some milk. I know I am not pregnant. There is seriously something weird going on. They gave me an exam to make sure it wasn't cancer, at my age, more than likely wouldn't happen. Then they took my blood and then the end of this month I am getting an ultrasound done on it. I feel like its a throbbing' pain that I can't handle sometimes. Other times its controllable. The doctor said if the results give them the way to one direction which is surgery. Just what I need to go through when my husband is gone. Deployment is going to suck. Josh gets to come home from Silverdale, and goes to San Diego. I'm just gonna get use to the idea that I'm going to be alone for the next two years.

Addyson's first steps...

Few days before Josh left (Mother's Day & Our Anniversary) Addyson took three steps. She was so excited that she walked. Now its been almost 2 weeks and she is now doing it a lot more. She walked clear from one side of the livingroom to the other. She may fall alot but she gets back up. Here is one of the videos from today.

The best friends & family I have ever met...

I really need to praise this family. They are such wonderful loving and caring family. That would be Joe & Mandy Johnson. I think I would be completely lost & seriously checking into a mental hospital. I've been having the worst news sent to me from all directions. Their families have even stepped in to help me get through this very difficult patch. They have done wonderful, mind blowing, things to help me, and I am so thankful for their help. They are such good people and I feel so blessed to have them in my life. Being away from our families make it hard and they can't always help us the way they want to help being so far away. I'm thankful for all the stuff they have done to help, being so far away. I have been a big mess, and I truly think all the encouraging words, the help, the push, the prayers, have helped me get through this. And its only been a week! I don't know what other words I can write to describe everyone that has helped me.... well at least words I know the meaning of and how to spell them. ;) Thank You Guys! I can't say Thank you enough!

getting away...

after many people saying i need to get away. we did. the johnsons have been so kind to invite me to their families house for the weekend. i felt i left all my sadness at the door back home. but last night and this morning it has slowly crept back on me. i am so thankful for everyones love and support. it is what is probably more than only thing getting me through this. there are good people out there, just for the last 4 days i was having to deal with mean ones.

Emptiness

Tuesday morning Josh, Addyson and I all loaded up to take Josh to base for the worst part of this nightmare we've been living in for the past 3 months. It felt like it was the shortest yet longest drive. I knew it was time to say goodbye to my husband. I didn't know what the outcome was going to be, but I knew it wasn't going to be good. No matter how much we prepared ourselves for goodbye, and being apart, it wasn't easy. At 7:30 am was the last I got to touch my husband and all it was was a hug goodbye. I helped him put his sea bag into a van and my stomach was in knots, I didn't know where this van was going to take my husband. I then took our daughter out of her car seat to give her last hug to her daddy. As he walked away I immediately started crying. I couldn't even buckle our daughter into her car seat. After I finally got her buckled in I sat in the front seat with streams of tears rolling down my face, I just sat there looking at Josh as he was standing at the door of the legal office. I knew in my heart that would be the last I get to see him, I didn't even know if I was going to be able to hear his voice. This wasn't a deployment. I didn't know where my husband was going, I didn't know what was going to happen to him. At least if it was a deployment I would be in peace. I am far from peace at this moment. As I was pulling out of the legal parking lot I happen to glance over and see the man who done this, car. I wanted to go kick it, take all my anger out on it, I just kept driving. I drove home and I got us ready for our WIC appointment, I felt like I was in 90 degree weather as much as I was sweating. My mind was going wild, what are they saying, is it over yet? Am I not going to know whats going on? All these questions where driving me insane. I felt like I should be on my way to a nut house. It was 1:00 when I finally got the call, the call that was going to change my life. I just got to my appointment and I checked in and I sat in the hallway and heard the words that were coming through the phone from the voice of the person that I felt so distant from then. I felt that he was in panic, he told me he was going away for a month and he might get to call me later to explain more. I was in a public place I had to hold in my tears. When I finally got called into the meeting with this lady for Addyson, the entire time I felt my head was off dancing in circles, my stomach was doing summer saults, and my eyes were ready to burst into tears. I was holding it all in, just waiting to get the heck out of there. Something that the lady said busted down the dams I had set up for myself so I wouldn't be a sobby mess. I couldn't control my sobs. I hid my face behind my daughter I didn't want her to see my pain. Although she did, and I must have rubbed off my hurt on her because she was soon just as sobby as I was. I kept saying I am so sorry, I tried to stay strong and wait till I was out of here but I just can't keep it up any longer. She explain to me that it'll all be ok, trying to comfort me, I had no one to comfort me, but a stranger. She gave me information and set up my next appointment, as we said our goodbyes a part of me wanted to run back and cry on her shoulder, but I walked as quickly as I could to our car and called my mom. I felt like someone put a blanket over me and I couldn't get out and all I could hear was a voice saying you'll be ok. I came home put Addyson down for a nap and I just laid on the couch and cried myself to sleep. I finally awaken and I was on the phone for a long time with my husbands mom. We talked about options, and what help I needed. I'm living off so little money because they even took away most of his pay. I had so many unanswered questions. I don't know where I got the confidence to call the number that my husband called me from, I didn't want to push redial, but I did. I needed answers. I didn't have many and I didn't care who own this phone, I just need to talk to someone. The man called me back after I left a message on his phone, he told me I'm going to get to talk to Josh shortly. Five minutes later I got a call that I just wanted to savor for the rest of the month, but I got to talk to him for only a few minutes. He just mainly told me he is at this certain place, and he is ok, and what happened. He got the same punishment as the man who did committed this indecent act. My body filled with anger, I was out to seek more answers. I then called the officer back and asked him why did my husband get this punishment, the same punishment the guy who committed this crime? His response was like a knife stabbing me a million times in the heart, "because he is GUILTY!" he replied. I couldn't even breathe, I was crying so hard, I had to immediately hang up the phone. I called Mandy, the one person that I trust and was helping me the most. I finally calmed down. I am so thankful she is there just to listen. After I hung up with her, I was just so exhausted I went to bed. At 10 pm the phone rang I was just praying it was Josh but I knew it wasn't going to be, unfortunately it was the officer calling back. I wasn't going to answer it but I did anyways. He went on telling me how guilty my husband was I just wanted to hang up on him. He asked me for my questions but my mind was as blank as a sheet of paper. He told me I need to see a counselor, I felt like he was trying to say I'm a crazy nut job, but I honestly felt like one. He also was going to gather information for me, and told me I had to come pick up my husband's personal belongings. The next day, I felt better than I was the day before. It was gloomy outside so it didn't help my mood anymore. I kept the blinds closed, a light on, you'd think a suicidal person lived here. I tried to keep it together for Addyson. It was like I was on a roller coaster of emotions I was happy then I went right back to rock bottom when the house was quiet, only when Addyson was in bed. I felt that the white walls were the walls that would be in a padded room, there wasn't anyway out for me. Mandy probably got sick of me but I called her so much, I just had no one to talk to but a baby who didn't know what in the world is going on and her vocabulary only had a few words in it. Joe, her husband, brought me lunch, and then later that evening brought me groceries. I am so thankful for them. I was so happy but yet I felt like I was a burden, that I was just another thing they had to worry about. I really hope I'm not. I have no one but Addyson. My parents aren't coming next week now, that was just good news to get when I am feeling so low, but I understand. I'm glad Josh's mom is willing to still come. Today I am off to get Josh's personal belongings, and just get some air. I have been in this cave for the last 2 days. I know Josh wouldn't like that, I am doing the best I can.

my twix.

Josh didn't bring me home a new diamond ring, or an Ipad, but he brought me home a king size twix for our Anniversary. I never expect anything big from him, that's just how we were raised, the little things are the most. Even if our parents had the money to buy us something big we always got something little. I hope that I can teach Addy girl that lesson. (I don't know how I am going to get around Uncle got a dirtbike for his birthday once though.) So he told me I could have the entire thing to myself so after dinner I ate half of it, which is two sticks and then two sticks were left. I was playing around with Addyson, who took three steps, and kept doing that all day and falling on her face, now thats dedication, and I went to get my last two twix, the ones I was going to enjoy and savor. What ya know? They were gone. For a minute I thought I ate them. I was like there is no way. I looked in the empty container and I took the wrapper to Josh and I was angry he ate the last two, I was going to enjoy them, since he said I could have them all when I offered. Little stinker! In a way he just saved me 110 calories. Or more. I better go help him pack his seabag, this could be the last night for a month or two I get to see him. :( Poo. lovely Anniversary night eh?

Happy TWO year Anniversary

Yesterday was our five year mark that we've been together. I can't believe its been almost a decade, well half a decade. When Josh and I were together for 2 1/2 years he asked me to be his wife. It feels alot longer than just five years, and we've only been married for TWO. Time has flown, but it feels longer than it is. I love you, baby. I always have and always will. Josh, you are literally my best friend, my sould mate, and the best father I could have been given for Addyson. Happy Anniversary Baby.

Happy Mother's Day

These are three (four) special mothers. All these photos I randomly got off our computer, just for grins. My sister-in-law, mother-in-law, grandma, and mommy are all wonderful mothers. I love them so much, they've all taught me how to be the best mom I can be to our daughter. I hope they had a Happy Mother's Day. I miss them so much.

As for me.....

This is sorta my first mother's day. Addyson & Josh have made it special. Josh made me a chocolate cake & we went and painted on Friday. Addyson's little hand prints. Josh got me a thing to hold it so I can put it on a shelf. I love them. I love being a mommy. I will never ever take that back. It's amazing. Love you both very much!

Military Spouse Appreciation

Yesterday was Military Spouse Appreciation Day. I am very thankful to be a spouse to an incredible sailor who takes his job seriously in the USN. Like I said in my passed posted, I do respect the USN and the military, I just don't understand how they do things. I am thankful I didn't have to pay a dime to have my daughter, we've had food in our bellies and clothes on our backs. But in all honest, my heart is aching. This whole day I didn't even want to think about it. I respect each spouse and how they are raising their kids without their husbands, I know its not an easy task. But for me, personally, I just can't wrap my heart around this day with what is going on. The military is taking my husband, taking my husband away from his daughter and me, taking him away for a reason that I just don't understand. I'm going to be alone, alone celebrating my daughters birthday, alone at night in my bed, alone on weekends which I long for just to spend time together. Yes, all spouse are going through this, each and every day through deployment, but for me, I feel like it should be different for me. Is that selfish? I'm scared on what the outcome is going to be Tuesday. I hate knowing that Tuesday morning will be the last time I get to hold, speak, and see my husband. If this was for deployment I think I'd be a whole different person. I just feel so different inside. On a side note; Happy Military Spouse Appreciation Day! (I think our Forest City is slacking this year, I was looking forward to a pedi ;) )

Have you ever just wanted to say out loud how much you HATE the military? I respect the USN and any other United States military but some of the way they do things is really shady. I've blogged recently about what is going in my life, yes I regret that I did that, because I have no idea who reads my blog, but then again, I got it off my chest. The C.O. and legal office here on base gave Josh two options, well I told Josh to get advice else where. We learned so much. We learned that the man responsible for all this is a liar, a pig, a disgusting human being. I don't know where in my heart I can forgive him, I will probably never forgive him. I would say I feel terrible for his fiance but in all honesty I don't, I just think she is stupid. She has the choice to leave, she should. (Again, I probably shouldn't be writing this). My body has been filled with even more anger than I have ever felt in my life. If Addyson wasn't involved I don't think it would be filled as much as it is. I feel like he has threaten my daughter. My beautiful girl doesn't deserve to be in this situation and neither does her hard working, outstanding daddy. It has amazed me the action that the people in the NAVY have taken on this certain incident. They have manipulated, interrogate, and humiliate a person, a family. A professional wiggling his nose in where it shouldn't be. I know times are hard, but I am so disgusted that they would do anything just as long as its the cheapest for them, but the worst for the (innocent) sailor. In the end, our little family of three, a military family we've been since day one, is saying goodbye to the USN. Goodbye to all the bull crap, goodbye to the performance they put on, the joke it has became. One of Josh's divisions said they were a family. Not one person has been there for us, instead they called names, they gossip, they treat us like we are a piece of crap on the bottom of their shoes. That isn't a family. They could care less about us or anyone else. The people that we did meet, that have been there for us since day one, those are the few rare people in the USN we have found that have had an impact on our lives. I'm thankful we have had an opportunity to meet such great people & their families. In the end, I hope Karma comes back and bites them a new one. Just sayin' . This whole experience has made me a stronger woman, I have learned, I have been through so much. I am still going through so much. Our parents, our families, our close friends, have been there for us, helped us, and I am so thankful for their help. Even when there are days I want to run in my moms arms and let the tears fall until I can't let them fall anymore, I can't do that, I have my own little girl, that I need to do that for and a husband who I need to keep it together for. I admit I have lost it a few times. But I'm thankful he has accepted what is happening and knows that God is probably opening us a better door, a door where our daughter deserves to be with her family, it's not worth being a part for 6 months to a year in a career where you are dong dangerous things and they threaten to take your pay away? Not worth it. People will talk but I know who my family is, I know who I am, I know who my real friends are, and I can honestly say half the people I know aren't anywhere close to a real friends. I sometimes confuse myself by the people I think who care and are my friend but really they are just the people who feed off gossip and love it and would say anything to hear it. I'm glad this has made me figure out who is for real.

Beautiful Weekend

This past weekend Addyson, Josh and I met up with the Johnson's and went to the parade for Holland Happenings. It was so much fun. I thought it was going to be cold so we were bundled up but the sun came out towards the end of the parade. Josh, Addyson and I shared a meal and afterwards we tried to meet back up with our friends but their boys had to go home to take a nap. Addyson she was a trooper and we spent hours looking at all the different booths and even bought some clogs this year. They don't fit her but they will always remind us of a great family outing. We then stopped at the local bakery and got a pastry and again we all shared it. Our car was parked at one of the parks in town and we ended up just sitting around enjoying the sun while Addyson played. She ended up going down with the stroller that she was pushing down the hill, but she never cried. After that we left to go home. Josh started the BBQ and he made yummy hamburgers and hot dogs. Afterwards we went back to the Johnson's for some cake and just to visit. It was fun. We came home to take care of our burnt faces. Mine was really sore. I felt terrible that I didn't put any sunblock on Addyson her little nose & cheeks got some sun. As well as Josh. The next day, Sunday, we went to a shop BBQ for Josh we stayed a couple hours, and then we went on a hike near Deception Pass, just us three. We got even more burnt. (Addyson didn't that time) It was the best weekend. Thanks to the Johnson's for the great Saturday evening & joining us at the parade.