Emptiness

Tuesday morning Josh, Addyson and I all loaded up to take Josh to base for the worst part of this nightmare we've been living in for the past 3 months. It felt like it was the shortest yet longest drive. I knew it was time to say goodbye to my husband. I didn't know what the outcome was going to be, but I knew it wasn't going to be good. No matter how much we prepared ourselves for goodbye, and being apart, it wasn't easy. At 7:30 am was the last I got to touch my husband and all it was was a hug goodbye. I helped him put his sea bag into a van and my stomach was in knots, I didn't know where this van was going to take my husband. I then took our daughter out of her car seat to give her last hug to her daddy. As he walked away I immediately started crying. I couldn't even buckle our daughter into her car seat. After I finally got her buckled in I sat in the front seat with streams of tears rolling down my face, I just sat there looking at Josh as he was standing at the door of the legal office. I knew in my heart that would be the last I get to see him, I didn't even know if I was going to be able to hear his voice. This wasn't a deployment. I didn't know where my husband was going, I didn't know what was going to happen to him. At least if it was a deployment I would be in peace. I am far from peace at this moment. As I was pulling out of the legal parking lot I happen to glance over and see the man who done this, car. I wanted to go kick it, take all my anger out on it, I just kept driving. I drove home and I got us ready for our WIC appointment, I felt like I was in 90 degree weather as much as I was sweating. My mind was going wild, what are they saying, is it over yet? Am I not going to know whats going on? All these questions where driving me insane. I felt like I should be on my way to a nut house. It was 1:00 when I finally got the call, the call that was going to change my life. I just got to my appointment and I checked in and I sat in the hallway and heard the words that were coming through the phone from the voice of the person that I felt so distant from then. I felt that he was in panic, he told me he was going away for a month and he might get to call me later to explain more. I was in a public place I had to hold in my tears. When I finally got called into the meeting with this lady for Addyson, the entire time I felt my head was off dancing in circles, my stomach was doing summer saults, and my eyes were ready to burst into tears. I was holding it all in, just waiting to get the heck out of there. Something that the lady said busted down the dams I had set up for myself so I wouldn't be a sobby mess. I couldn't control my sobs. I hid my face behind my daughter I didn't want her to see my pain. Although she did, and I must have rubbed off my hurt on her because she was soon just as sobby as I was. I kept saying I am so sorry, I tried to stay strong and wait till I was out of here but I just can't keep it up any longer. She explain to me that it'll all be ok, trying to comfort me, I had no one to comfort me, but a stranger. She gave me information and set up my next appointment, as we said our goodbyes a part of me wanted to run back and cry on her shoulder, but I walked as quickly as I could to our car and called my mom. I felt like someone put a blanket over me and I couldn't get out and all I could hear was a voice saying you'll be ok. I came home put Addyson down for a nap and I just laid on the couch and cried myself to sleep. I finally awaken and I was on the phone for a long time with my husbands mom. We talked about options, and what help I needed. I'm living off so little money because they even took away most of his pay. I had so many unanswered questions. I don't know where I got the confidence to call the number that my husband called me from, I didn't want to push redial, but I did. I needed answers. I didn't have many and I didn't care who own this phone, I just need to talk to someone. The man called me back after I left a message on his phone, he told me I'm going to get to talk to Josh shortly. Five minutes later I got a call that I just wanted to savor for the rest of the month, but I got to talk to him for only a few minutes. He just mainly told me he is at this certain place, and he is ok, and what happened. He got the same punishment as the man who did committed this indecent act. My body filled with anger, I was out to seek more answers. I then called the officer back and asked him why did my husband get this punishment, the same punishment the guy who committed this crime? His response was like a knife stabbing me a million times in the heart, "because he is GUILTY!" he replied. I couldn't even breathe, I was crying so hard, I had to immediately hang up the phone. I called Mandy, the one person that I trust and was helping me the most. I finally calmed down. I am so thankful she is there just to listen. After I hung up with her, I was just so exhausted I went to bed. At 10 pm the phone rang I was just praying it was Josh but I knew it wasn't going to be, unfortunately it was the officer calling back. I wasn't going to answer it but I did anyways. He went on telling me how guilty my husband was I just wanted to hang up on him. He asked me for my questions but my mind was as blank as a sheet of paper. He told me I need to see a counselor, I felt like he was trying to say I'm a crazy nut job, but I honestly felt like one. He also was going to gather information for me, and told me I had to come pick up my husband's personal belongings. The next day, I felt better than I was the day before. It was gloomy outside so it didn't help my mood anymore. I kept the blinds closed, a light on, you'd think a suicidal person lived here. I tried to keep it together for Addyson. It was like I was on a roller coaster of emotions I was happy then I went right back to rock bottom when the house was quiet, only when Addyson was in bed. I felt that the white walls were the walls that would be in a padded room, there wasn't anyway out for me. Mandy probably got sick of me but I called her so much, I just had no one to talk to but a baby who didn't know what in the world is going on and her vocabulary only had a few words in it. Joe, her husband, brought me lunch, and then later that evening brought me groceries. I am so thankful for them. I was so happy but yet I felt like I was a burden, that I was just another thing they had to worry about. I really hope I'm not. I have no one but Addyson. My parents aren't coming next week now, that was just good news to get when I am feeling so low, but I understand. I'm glad Josh's mom is willing to still come. Today I am off to get Josh's personal belongings, and just get some air. I have been in this cave for the last 2 days. I know Josh wouldn't like that, I am doing the best I can.